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I dont know... Sometimes i feel like... I would just wrap Aoi away with my blankie and bring him to bed to cuddle and just stay like that. Id kidnap him, sit him down, talk little talks with him and want him to lay everything on me. Id probably invite Uruha out for coffee too. Just watch the world as i ask Uruha about his thoughts. We'd take our time and just simply watch the world and id ask anything that comes to mind. Make jokes that dont make sense and ask both him and Aoi more about their life(what theyre willing to say) and about guitars. Id definantly crack up jokes with Reita abd talk about books. Im glad that hes a bookworm like me. Maybe just talk the fay abd bight away too with a couple cans of beer. Not to get drunk or buzzed but just to chill. Wed discuss about mangas and authors who write. Then probably try to make Uruha and Aoi laugh. Probably play a game to see who can make the others laugh the most. Id probably would also plan a surprise visit to Ruki and wed crash at his place. Just because we can abd id want to see his reaction. Id probably plot a plan for Aoi, Reita and I to cheer him up after the crash while Uruha watches us with an amused smile. After that, id sit down and talk with Ruki. Even if i annoy him, id ask a lot about his work  see what hes doing, whats his inspiration. Id probably ask him a lot, just to try to see how he sees life as well. Then finally, we all go visit kai and drag him with us to a vacation. While everyone is asleep on the plane, id sit next to kai and talk with him. Ask him what itd be like as leader-sama. How he decided to be one, and his hoghlights and stress of being one. Then id ask him about little facts. Id play 21 questions with him too. Id want to know what not many know about him, his worries, concerns, and anything .  then wed arrive and simply spend time and id watch then with adoration and im pretty sure id press on them to spend time together. Even though they see each other everyday, because this is only once in a life time that theyd meet each other and build this great band. Everyday is a passing moment that youd never be able to return to.

Forever dying of nosebleed ♡
I love that  \\\\\\ ☆ ♡ ☆ //////

Jan. 26th, 2015

I cried a little.... like... A LOT!!!!! I LIED, MY FEELS FOR KAI </3>I do hope ypu update soon :D

so hey... i guess, sometimes in life.. you wonder if you really belong here. In this household, in this life, in this world, and maybe there voice in your head whispering no is a bit too strong. a lot of girls tell me that i'm strong. Because i'm dealing with an elder who my uncles, aunties and parents refuse to deal with because she's lost her mind. i'm balancing it all out with my school, trying to fit in my band life, my own time and still i don't ask for help. but they're really wrong, i'm a really weak person. everytime i get screamed at by grandma and her thorny words wound themselves on me; i bleed every time. every time i get scolded by dad, i hurt a lot. I get mad and angry and hurt, because when i think of it, all those years of bullying that i take just so i don't 'trouble dad'. he didn't even see. i feel so alone. i wish i had a sister, but at the same time i don't. because i don't want her to see or go through any of this. mom, a she does is scol me for not being good enough. whether its at home or school. I know i may be lacking in a lot of places. but i'm the only one, the only one who was bullied for not having siblings, for being fat, the only one to be raised as an adult. the only one who has to take care of grandma and the only one who so many have blamed. i'm a child, i was a child, i was a kid, now i'm a teen... why am i going through this? why am i alone? why can't i go back to those times where i could smile with other without telling myself not to think of my family, why do i have to go through this when no one else is too? Why is it always me?

i always think how it'd be if i wasn't born. mom has told me, that she gave birth to me, because i was suppose to be her guardian angel, because i saved her from ending her life. im sorry mommy, but your angel can't keep going in the dark. she has been guarding so many for a long time, but now that she thinks a bout it, who is guarding her? who was there when she was left alone in the house, who was watching as she cried her eyes dried? no one was there to guide her, i know you don't really know how to do all thoe motherly stuff and all but all i asked, was for understanding. but its like i'm just another body in the house, to stay with grandma. to be honest with you guys. I don't have any friends who i can trust and lean on. they are just people who know me in school. i'm too scared to trust, because if i can get used and hurt by my family, what else can the outside not do? I don't want to keep hurting, it gets tiresome. i don't want to always be the one hurting and i don't want this to keep going. i want it to end. why keep me if i seem so meaningless? why make me obey the rules when you don't give a damn thing? you dont even know me truely. you know me as well as everyone else. you dont know if i've been doing drugs, been cutting, been under all this pressure. because when you guys are home, all you do is demand food and sleep nd go to work. I know you're working but why don't you just stay home and try not to butt heads with me? I try, i try because i want a family. i want to understand what a family is again, i want to be happy too. i don't want to be alone. I want my sanity back, i'm being drivn up so many walls.

Maybe if i go away it'll all just get better. you'll realize that you lost something and try to reconnect your bridges. maybe the screaming will lessen, maybe you will remember that you guys are not alone in an empty house that feel more like a hotel than a home.

i'm sorry, if anyone i reaing this. I'm sorry it's just i needed to get this out because i don;t know what to do. I'm tired of just smiling it all off, i'm tired. i don't want to continue anymore. i'm just done.


So, this is a rant. I really want the fandom that I treat like family to please not put pressure on the GazettE. They are a band and still under their company. The news, of fans sending hate mail to the members becuase No America was on the World Tour really hurt me. I mean, aren't fans supposed to support the band whether they fall or not? Or am I thinking too much? Because really, They can't choose where they are going to. It's only if the place requests them and the company agrees then can they perform in that area. Its not their fault, its not really anybody's fault. But please as a person of the Sixth Gun, please dont aim the anger at the members.

If worse comes to worse, I'd rather them not do world tours than just stop making muic. Ruki did clearly state that he hates fighting in the fandom whether pyhsical or not. So really please, the members are musicians, and to my guess they all have their hands full. Lets, try not to keep pushing them, because really we don't know half of the stuff they have done to try to fufill our demands and the company's t the same time. They made music for fun and their passion, so why don't we focus on supporting them do that than argue where they are 'supposed' to perform.

I understand the dissapointment, I myself am in America also. I was relly dissapointed that they didn't come in the previous World Tour, but still. As long as I got to see them in Realeased lives, having fun, smiling, doing their things and fandom in the crowd screaming and supporting them; I'm happy. Because to me, their fun, passion, and music is more important to me. I fell in love with them, because even though all those years of hardship they pushed on till they got here. They sacrificed many things just to make music for us. So to see them happy, it really touches my heart. When they reached Budokan and Tokyo Dome, pride actually swelled up in me, because i was so proud that thye reached their dreams. All the glory that they have got is what they really deserve because they worked for it.

So please, Fandom, support the GazettE for the music and them as artists, intead of where they are or at. The GazettE to me is my saviors and really I don't want them hurt or any of you guys hurt. Because fandom to me is like one big family, and The GazettE is one big family too. SO please, put more thought into this, into the band, and into yourself. Ask yourself is it the right thing to do, before you press that send button. Eveyone should be able to think twice before they press it because, it really isn't hard. Just think, why do you love GazettE, why are they holding World Tours, and Who is the music directed/written/andmade for.

Thank you for reading and this is just my thoughts and me begging the fandom to think before they send stuff to the memebers.


I'm sorry... I posted that I'd be more active but.... I wasn't..... although I don't really have anyone to look at my journal but yeah. :p I might be updating to some stories. I don't know yet but yeah~ I'll make a couple(I'm guessing only) drabbles or one shots for New Years! :D so yes~ please look forward to it! >:D

Fanfics that touch my heart

Okay... I'm a weirdo, do not hate. T^T

But the fanfics I've been reading are really good and I've reread some and have finished them. Now I'm having a moment of just like:.. "I have just finished with my life. I don't know what to do with myself.. OMG... My heart hurts........ The pain and hardship in that story was just... ~cries~ I finished it.... Why did I finish it?!!?!!!!" So..........

I want to cry!!!! :( OMG! I love fanfics I'm so sorry I'm a weirdo! >~<

Heh... ~scratches head~

So yeah... Ano... I am not an artist or talented person... But! I do try.... (¬_¬) soo..... Maa, ano, here is Ruki in Anata No Tame No Kono Inochi .... Only one of his eyeballs so... Yeah..... I am so sorry! I killed it!!


Please don't read if you don't want to know.

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I'm sorry, don't read this if you don't want to ruin and waste your day.

I'm back from SF!

So, I went in a short trip to SF and it was fun and now... I AM FREAKIN TIRED AND SCHOOL STARTS TOMORROW!!!!!!! Somebody help me!!!!!! ~in agony~ save me from this wrath*!!!!!!!

whoops, I did this on accident.. 0.0Collapse )